Top 10 GOP Complaints If DEMS Win

It’s not looking good for the GOP in the 2012 elections.  Polls show Obama leads in the key swing states and in national polling; even the conservative GOP friendly Rasmussen poll has Obama leading.  It also looks like the DEMS are poised to win back the House and maintain control of the Senate.  The GOP is desperate and hoping to pivot, but pivot to what? DENIALISM

Top 10 Reasons GOP will Claim DEM Victories Bogus

10.  Super PACs paid the Supreme Court to guarantee GOP wins!  “Citizens” was supposed to Unite the Country First squarely behind the Haves.

9.  DEMs colluded with Socialist NFL owners to make Union refs heroes to discredit Right to Work states, Romney/Ryan and Governor Head Cheese Walker of Wisconsin.

8.  Obama’s home brew made with FOREIGN hops mailed to Swing State voters with a subliminal message  upon opening that said in a slightly carbonated fizzy voice – vote Obama, vote early, vote Obama, vote often, Obama.

7.  The DEMs had an unfair intellectual advantage!

6. Ballots for Romney placed in shredder made to look like voting machine.

5.  Al Green’s “Let’s Stay Together” piped into polling places tricked Romney voters into voting for Obama.

4.  Obama girl robo calls hypnotized Romney supporters and convinced them that Mitt is a Mayan representative from the past and future intent on ending the world before December 30 if elected.

3.  Clint Eastwood was a DEM plant.

2.  Reince “Hybrid” Priebus – it was all his fault!

1.  Bo the undocumented Portuguese water dog stole secrets from the RNC on daily walks.   WATER DOG GATE!

Disclaimer:  I just made most of this stuff up.  File under political lampoon. Don’t believe everything you read, including the polls. But do vote!



Giant Ferris Wheel On Mars?

I’m not a thrill seeker.  Never much liked amusement park rides or elevators for that matter.  I do like the floor walking escalator at Chicago O’Hare (ORD) for short – what does ORD mean anyway?  Three years ago, I took the architectural boat tour of Chicago and remember gliding past the giant Ferris wheel at Navy Pier and thinking one would have to be absolutely mad to ride the thing.  Two years ago we went to Navy Pier and my daughters in fact did ride the 150 foot wheel and got a birdseye view of the city.  I only got a view of birds in the sky, actually giant supersonic F-16 fighter birds that left a trail of sonic booms that frightened unsuspecting tourists who must have thought Navy Pier was under attack.  In any case, I was not thrilled by the airshow.

This morning, I heard that New York City plans to build the world’s largest Ferris wheel on Staten Island.  At 625 feet, it will dwarf Chicago’s wheel.  And get this, it can hold 1,400 people.  Good grief.  Imagine getting stuck on a wheel 600 feet off the ground, hanging upside down with 1,400 screaming riders.  No thank you.  I would have to be in a drug induced catatonic state and strapped in with a canister of supplemental oxygen to go on the thing.  The view would be outstanding of course, but I’m ok with the slow moving view from the Staten Island Ferry.  I’m no thrill seeker.

P.S.  Idea for the future – put one of those things on Mars where we know there is intelligent life and evidence of water, and where there is water there is a waterfront.  Imagine riding it at night and seeing Mars’ two moons and for those prone to vertigo like me, four moons.

Debate Fitness Key to Denver Victory

With the first of three presidential debates coming up, I wonder what kind of preparation the candidates have made?  Reports indicate that Romney has been practicing for the last 3 weeks, almost as much, maybe even more than he’s been campaigning and fundraising.  His latest campaign appearance with running mate Paul Ryan didn’t go so well and the crowd chanted Ryan, Ryan, and Romney had to redirect the chant to Romney/Ryan and while the crowd tried, the chant was a little out of synch and kind of petered out. Romney  should have been training for the debate and left the campaigning to Ryan.

The first debate will be held in the mile high city of Denver.  Now we know that debating at high elevation is dangerous and only the most fit can do so successfully, and I know both candidates have been preparing their arguments and sparring with staff in mock debates, but have they really been training? Has the President been shooting hoops at high altitude?  Has Romney opened his leer jet window at 39,000 feet while explaining what he really thinks about the 47%?

The winner of the debate will not be the best debater, or the one with the sharpest argument.  It won’t be the candidate who gets the most applause, or the candidate with the most memorable lines.  No, the winner will be the one who is fittest;  the one who won’t gasp for air mid sentence, or the candidate who has the good sense to bring a canister of supplemental oxygen on stage to set down next to the water bottle.  The key to victory just may be the combination of H2O and O2.

Is Scott Brown Really An Android?

Acrylic on canvas by Mateo Romero @ the Peabody Essex Museum

Massachusetts Senator Scott Brown is a desperate bully.  He is.  Did you hear his opening statement in his first debate with senate challenger Elizabeth Warren?  Get this:  he accused her of lying about her racial background – said she had checked the box on job applications indicating she is Native American to gain a hiring advantage.  Then he looked at her and said in a sneering tone, “you can see that she’s not a Native American”.  Senator Brown all but admitted that he is an expert racial profiler.  He no doubt has some Hollywood stereotype in mind for what Native Americans are supposed to look like. His campaign staff doubled down on the insults recently by mocking Warren at a campaign rally with tomahawk chops and chants which were deeply offensive to the Cherokee Nation.  My question is this – what right does Scott Brown have to question her background like this anyway? He has no basis for doing so, except desperation, much like the radical birthers from the lunatic fringe. Next thing you know, Scott Brown will be demanding her birth certificate and DNA samples.

But here’s the thing, as Melissa Harris-Perry has pointed out and as many other scholars have as well, race is a social construction, not a a biological one.  All people look the same under a microscope.  We all bleed red and cry salty tears.   So what does race have to do with anything?  Is it bad to be a Native American, or to be granted some preferential treatment to redress past atrocities committed against Native Americans or to ensure that one who is qualified is granted an opportunity and not discriminated against?  In Warren’s case, whether or not she benefited is not the point.  The point is that she knows her family history better than anyone else, and certainly better than Scott Brown.  I believe she is of Native American heritage.  She did grow up in Oklahoma, home to one of the largest populations of Native Americans in the country.

And let’s flip this.  Who is Scott Brown?  What is his heritage, and how do I know that what he says about himself is true?  Are we just to take his word?  What box did he check in school?  He may or may not be of Anglo Saxon descent.  How can I be certain that he is even human – he could be an android for all I know!  I mean it is somewhat suspect for a man of means to drive an old pickup truck that costs $70 to fill up.

As Rachel Maddow mentioned, it is astonishing and disturbing that an issue would be made of race in a U.S. senatorial race, in the year 2012.  It’s 2012, not 1956, the year before Native Americans were finally able to vote in all states.

Here’s the last thing, Elizabeth Warren is brilliant.  Scott Brown knows that and he really didn’t want to debate her.   He even tried to skip out on the debate but was called back after Harry Reid cancelled a senate session that Brown was going to attend.  In addition to his affirmative action bashing and his personal attack on Warren’s family history, he resorted to that anti-intellectual appeal that GOP supporters and the dull among us find so attractive, calling her professor, as if the title were something to be ashamed of.  In my humble opinion, the title professor actually scares him, he fears it – professors intimidate him.   Here’s what I wish Warren had done:  responded to him in Cherokee.  That would have silenced Mr. Brown, oh and it would have been so sweet.  Instead, Warren took the high road and not the bait and won the debate decisively.

Imaginary Debate Part III – Pres. Obama v. Mitt

Moderator:  As you may have noticed, climate change is all around us – drought, extreme weather, the melting of the polar ice caps, rising sea levels to name but a few examples.  As president, how would you reverse this alarming truth.

MITT: I’m not personally responsible for it, as you know, but it’s no surprise that government regulations of the Obama administration have not helped.  What we need are fewer regulations, more drilling, fracking and that sort of thing.  As to drought and floods, hurricanes and the like, well I say take responsibility for yourself.  Move to higher ground.  Go to Michigan, they have beautiful trees, just the right height and the lakes, I love them, not just those Great ones either, why I love the little inland lakes that dot the interior…and cars, did I mention I love cars, my dad…

Moderator:  Governor you time is up. President Obama.

President Obama:  Clearly Mitt doesn’t take the danger seriously.  Climate change is no joke.  And if he really believes we can frack our way to reverse the trend of global warming or else just move to Michigan, he’s unfit to be President.  Unfitt Mitt.

Moderator:  Governor, you were heard telling a crowd at a fundraiser that the 47% of people who don’t pay federal income taxes should take personal responsibility for their lives and in effect stop free loading off the government.  Should the government stop supporting the poor, disabled, unemployed, the homeless, the frail and elderly?

Mitt: As I’ve said, I’m not going to worry about them, they have the safety net. What they need are jobs.  Wal-Mart is always looking for greeters, you know the ones with all the buttons on their aprons, I just love those  buttons, and the burger sandwich establishment has a reputation of hiring the needy and indigent to sweep floors and so forth.  And I’m always looking for some good help to iron my jeans – I like a good stiff denim pant (my cool look) with a clean crease.  I could use a shoe shine guy too.  See, I’m a job creator.

President Obama:  I’m the President of the 100% of Americans and if the GOP would stop blocking my jobs bills, and stop trying to crush the unions, we’d have more people working in good jobs.  Governor Romney’s job plan is not a domestic jobs plan, it’s a plan to hire domestics.

Moderator:  Governor, you released your tax return for 2011 and a summary of your tax returns dating back to the 90’s.  You actually paid more last year than you were legally required to do so, even after you said that if you were to pay more than you owed, you would not be fit for the presidency.

Mitt: If I said that, I didn’t mean it, but I stand by what I said whatever I said.

President Obama: Well, it looks like Governor Romney is feeling a little guilty about not paying his fair share and is trying to make amends, but I would suggest he’s got a lot of amending to do.

For more debates, see:

Part I:  Imaginary GOP/DEM Debate

Part II:  Presidential Debate In Song

Mitt, Take a Little Time Out

Ole Mitt is in a heap a trouble.  With his flip-flops on the issues, bizarro remarks – “the trees are the right height…I love the lakes and not just the great lakes but the little inland lakes…”, dismissive remarks, “and so my job is not to worry about those people (the 47% who don’t pay federal income tax because they are elderly, disabled, unemployed, homeless or poor – the most vulnerable in our society) —I’ll never convince them that they should take personal responsibility and care for their lives” and scary remarks: “corporations are people my friend” coupled with foreign policy gaffes, including insults to our British allies doubting they could pull of the Olympic games and a horribly reckless, politicized criticism of the Libyan embassy while it was under attack by terrorists, some Republican strategists are calling for an intervention.  But his handlers have responded by saying they are going to put him out there MORE.  This is exactly the opposite of what they should do.  Are his handlers secretly working for the DNC?  No, not more of Mitt, less of Mitt.  Mitt should disappear until the debates and resurface the day of the election.  He should take some time out (a stunningly beautiful song) at some of his vacation homes – maybe do the vacation home world tour and just kick back with a pair of flip flops.  The only way Mitt has a prayer to win is to stop campaigning.  If I were his strategist, I’d have Paul Ryan go campaigning around the Midwest with his mother and feature Joe the Plumber (who isn’t a plumber because he doesn’t have a license to plumb) as a guest speaker to plumb the crowd so to speak into a boilered frenzy, ending with chants of the candidate’s name misspelled – MIT MIT MIT.

Best Stick with Mashed Potatoes and Fries

Well, I guess we can’t eat rice anymore, at least not the stuff grown in Texas and Louisiana because it’s toxic.  Now, I’m not much of a rice eater myself, so I’m going to be ok. But good heavens. I mean there’s rice in baby food and pudding too.  Arsenic in Old Lace, and now rice.  According to a report on CBS this morning with Charlie Rose, rice grown in fields that used to grow cotton is the most susceptible, because the cotton planters sprayed the crops with all manner of pesticides laced with arsenic to chase off boll weevils. And rice sucks up all those old toxins like a sponge.  Advice: best stick with mashed potatoes and french fries.   


Toxic Notebook

Before my wife went out to run some errands, she asked me if I needed anything and I said, yes – a spiral bound notebook.  She went to this place called Building #19.  It’s like a dollar store warehouse, full of deeply discounted books that no one wants to read, knock-off hand sanitizers and recycled toothpaste.  I don’t like these stores much and don’t trust the quality and safety of the products.  My fears escalated when my wife brought home my notebook made in India with this warning:

Good lord!  I have nothing against the good people of India, but how is it that they can make a product so toxic for general consumption or export.  Yes, I know, most everything causes cancer, which is the second leading cause of death in the U.S., but one would think that the sale of consumer products with known carcinogens, especially something like a notebook that is so widely used by children would be prohibited.   And I’m curious about the warning, particularly, “known to the State of California to cause cancer”… Do these chemicals only cause cancer in California? Do other states disagree or are unaware that these chemicals are toxic?  Where is the FDA or the CPSC in all of this?  How is it even possible to buy a toxic spiral notebook?  I want to take notes, not take down garden weeds.  And how do I dispose of this notebook?  Do I throw it out with the regular trash, recycle it or wait until hazardous waste drop-off day?

Congressman PDR – What’s in a Name?

Congressman Paul Davis Ryan.  Darn.  I was hoping his initials were PBR, which would be rather fitting for a man from Wisconsin and the original home of Pabst Blue Ribbon.  Davis.  Maybe that’s a typo, and his name is actually Bevis, or Bates or something.  But my fact checker says that he is in fact Davis.  So he’s PDR, not PBR.  But that’s ok, because PDR helps me point out something alarming about the Congressman.  Google PDR and you know what you get?, a drug information company that publishes the Physicians’ Desk Reference and works hand in hand with the FDA to provide safety alerts and information.  However, Congressman PDR has not lived up to his initials.  Do you know why?  Here’s why – just take a look at his voting record:

  • Against FDA appropriations
  • Against the FDA Modernization Act
  • Against FDA regulation on tobacco labeling, ingredients and warnings
  • Against Food Safety regulations
  • Against the Mine Safety Act
  • To limit regulation of Farm Dust
  • To repeal EPA standards for cement manufacturers
  • To repeal prevention and public health funds
  • To repeal Obamacare
  • Against funding to combat Aids, Malaria and TB.

That’s some record there Congressman PDR.  If your vision comes true to dismantle health care, clean air and food safety regulations, more people would have to rely on the Physicians’ Desk Reference and Web MD to self-diagnose and self-medicate, provided they can afford the drugs.  I am sure this would give rise to snake oil salesmen and women, unregulated elixirs and home remedy advice.  Here’s one, next time you get a headache, rub some cauliflower on your temples.  Oh, and rub some on your forehead to improve memory.

Wisconsin Once Blue Now Red?

Wisconsin is a blue state, right?  The beer and cheese state whose official motto is “forward” which is the same as President Obama’s campaign slogan should be a blue state.  Wisconsin voted Democrat in the last three presidential elections and gave then Senator Obama a 13.9% margin of victory in 2008, although it should be pointed out that in  2004 and 2000, Kerry and Gore narrowly won the state.  Obama turned it true blue.  But it’s a toss up state now.  The latest polls give the President a slight edge in the badger state.  What happened?

For one, Governor Scott  Walker who gave the unions a crushing blow has become a national figure and hero to the anti-union “right to work” proponents.  Secondly, as you no doubt must be aware, Congressman Ryan hails from Wisconsin.  With their high profile status in the GOP, it should come as no surprise that Romney has gained support in the state.

But can Ryan deliver the state?  If he can’t, that should tell you something about his leadership.  After all, two of the weakest VP running mates in the history of elections, Sarah Palin and Dan Quayle successfully delivered their home states to McCain and Bush the Elder respectively.

Here’s my prediction.  If the Brewers finish the season above .500 and the Packers and the Wisconsin Badgers have a winning record by election day, and campaign workers provide free beer and cheese samples to voters, maybe some Old Milwaukee’s Best and Swiss, the GOP has a shot of Winning Wisconsin.   They do.