Post Election Nightmare

A winner had not yet been declared by the time I fell asleep.  I woke up early the next day, turned on the TV and was a little surprised that it was tuned to Fox News.  I don’t watch Fox News.  I’ve blocked the channel.  But there it was.  I flipped around and it was on every channel.  I rubbed my eyes, thinking I must be having a bad dream, but I couldn’t shake the nightmare, or morningmare as it were.  I started to feel really panicky.  I turned on the radio which I have set to the NPR affiliate, but there was no Morning Edition.  Instead, Rush Limbaugh was yelling something.  I hit the next preset, Mix 98 and it was Glenn Beck digging his fingernails into his chalkboard.  The next preset, Rock Classics 101 was in the middle of a Kid Rock, Ted Nugent marathon.  NOOOOOOO!  I threw my high tech radio against the wall and it cracked open oozing mercury that settled in a pool on my hardwood floor.  I freaked and called 911.  The operator who sounded like Sarah Palin asked me “what’s your emergency?”  I said, “mercury spill, hurry!” To which she replied, “I’m sorry, you should take personal responsibility for your own life” and hung up. Already, my cat was pawing the pooled beads of toxic heavy metal.  What’s that smell?  Something was burning.  I raced outside to find a an angry mob burning copies of Darwin’s The Origin of Species, and Carl Sagan’s Cosmos.  I’ve got to wake up.  This can’t be happening.

Top 10 GOP Complaints If DEMS Win

It’s not looking good for the GOP in the 2012 elections.  Polls show Obama leads in the key swing states and in national polling; even the conservative GOP friendly Rasmussen poll has Obama leading.  It also looks like the DEMS are poised to win back the House and maintain control of the Senate.  The GOP is desperate and hoping to pivot, but pivot to what? DENIALISM

Top 10 Reasons GOP will Claim DEM Victories Bogus

10.  Super PACs paid the Supreme Court to guarantee GOP wins!  “Citizens” was supposed to Unite the Country First squarely behind the Haves.

9.  DEMs colluded with Socialist NFL owners to make Union refs heroes to discredit Right to Work states, Romney/Ryan and Governor Head Cheese Walker of Wisconsin.

8.  Obama’s home brew made with FOREIGN hops mailed to Swing State voters with a subliminal message  upon opening that said in a slightly carbonated fizzy voice – vote Obama, vote early, vote Obama, vote often, Obama.

7.  The DEMs had an unfair intellectual advantage!

6. Ballots for Romney placed in shredder made to look like voting machine.

5.  Al Green’s “Let’s Stay Together” piped into polling places tricked Romney voters into voting for Obama.

4.  Obama girl robo calls hypnotized Romney supporters and convinced them that Mitt is a Mayan representative from the past and future intent on ending the world before December 30 if elected.

3.  Clint Eastwood was a DEM plant.

2.  Reince “Hybrid” Priebus – it was all his fault!

1.  Bo the undocumented Portuguese water dog stole secrets from the RNC on daily walks.   WATER DOG GATE!

Disclaimer:  I just made most of this stuff up.  File under political lampoon. Don’t believe everything you read, including the polls. But do vote!



The Collision of Random Thoughts

Here are some random thoughts, probably in isolation, insufficiently substantial as a post, but together could yield something profoundly interesting and thought provoking…or not.

Random thought 1:  To deter speeders, why don’t cops park disabled squad cars in strategic locations on the highway or busy roads with uniformed dummies pointing radar guns (made of clay) out the windows.   That’d slow me down.

Random thought 2:  A student driver car should have one of those messages on the back with a phone number that says: How am I driving?

Random thought 3: Why is it necessary for a city bus to have a message on the back that says – Caution: This bus makes frequent stops.  

Random thought 4.  What about a city bus with a message that says: Student dummy driver makes frequent stops.  How am I driving?

Random thought 5.  What about a bus at a bus stop with a student dummy driver pointing a radar gun out the window with a message that says – Bus makes frequent stops and is frequently stopped.  Without thinking, you get on, flash your bus pass  and are greeted by a recording that says, “take a seat mister” or “lady” as the case may be.

Random thought 6.  What if the bus does not move and the dummy refuses to let you off.  You place an emergency call and a uniformed dummy shows up and tells you to surrender.  You say, “what?”  The next thing you know, you’re in a jail full of animated characters who speak with a Brooklyn accent from the 50’s.  One says to you, “What’s the frequency bub?”  And you say, “I’m not bub, my name is Kenneth”. And then you notice Gumby and Pokey doppelgangers whimpering on a bench.  Something catches your eye.  You can just barely make it out.  As your eyes focus, behind a glass wall, you see two crash test dummies smoking Winston cigarettes grilling a frightened Mr. Bill like character (his third uncle I was later told) mouthing what looked to be the word, “hootenanny”.