Ribbie on Evolution, Student Loan Debt, Women in Politics and Other Issues


Ribbie recently appeared on the Joel Hibernia show, a fictional radio broadcast featuring obscure bloggers.

JH: What do you think about income inequality?

Rib: I’m not a fan.  The government should increase the tax rates on the wealthiest, close corporate loopholes, raise the minimum wage, allow the IRS to do the filer’s taxes for free if the filer so pleases and allow people to pay higher taxes if they wish.  Last, I would cut military spending significantly even beyond the scheduled sequester cuts.

JH: Students are drowning in student loan debt.

Rib: This is true. Some of those loans should be forgiven if a student enters the field of public service upon graduation. This would include teachers, social workers, government workers, counselors, librarians, musicologists, ethnographers, anthropologists, bloggers, writers, birders, wine critics, environmentalists and all English majors.

JH: English majors?

Rib: Sure.  They should be drowning in literature, not debt.

JH: Is climate change a hoax?

Rib: Only to those who don’t believe in science. I happen to believe in science.

JH: What are your thoughts on the polar vortex?

Rib: I like it actually.  I have a coat made out of polar vortex and I tell you it’s much warmer than goose down or thinsulate.

JH: On the issue of science and religion, should creationism be taught alongside evolution?

Rib: Creationism is a religious question, so I would say that only evolution should be taught in science class.  I think creationism should be discussed in Sunday school or in an elective course on creation myths.  In high school, I would recommend that the play, “Inherit the Wind” be taught in English class and the questions of religion and science be critically discussed and debated.

JH: Is America ready for a woman to be president?

Rib: Well, we should be.  And I don’t know why it has taken so long.  As we speak, 19 women are presidents or prime ministers of countries, countries such as Germany, Chile, Argentina, Brazil, Bangladesh, South Korea, Norway, Jamaica, Malawi, Denmark and Thailand.  And many more countries in the past have elected or appointed women as heads of state like Panama, England, Iceland, Ireland, Nicaragua, Switzerland, India, Indonesia, and Liberia, to name a few.

JH: What would you do about Vladimir Putin?

Rib: I would broker a deal so that Russia would withdraw from Ukraine in exchange for its pledge not to join NATO.  And Putin would be invited to be a guest host of Saturday Night Live with special musical guests, the band, Pussy Riot.

JH:  That would be a riot.

Rib: And that was a joke.

JH:  Putin doesn’t like jokes.

Rib: True, in his way of thinking, jokes are a sign of weakness and designed to disarm, something he is not likely to do anytime soon.

JH:  What do you think about the world cup?

Rib:  Not much.  A sport in which hands are not permitted strikes me as odd.

JH:  Well, it is called football.

Rib: It is true to its name, except that you can also use your head.

JH: Good point.

Gallup Poll and the famous Mr. Ed

The Gallup poll is the one that’s been around a long time dating back to the days of horses and bayonets.  It’s a bit of a maverick poll that seems to be out of synch with other polls on most days.  It is one along with the Rasmussen poll (that I refer to as the Rapscallion poll) that folks who live in the conservative bubble point to to prove Romney still has momentum.  I’ve heard from not so reliable sources, but from sources nonetheless, that Gallup still conducts its polling on horseback, in the parking lots of suburban malls asking “who you voting for?”  They sometimes interrupt large crowds with megaphones asking questions like “are we on the right track?” eliciting responses of “yes” and “no” and the occasional wise crack like, “no you are on the wrong track – the cow path is that way”, and “go eat some oats”.  One group chanted, “Mr. Ed, Mr. Ed, Mr. Ed.”

Gallup has had some problems using horses.  Some rapscallions in large crowds have resorted to feeding the equine messengers dollops of peanut butter which produce a reaction that make them look to be talking very much as Mr. Ed appeared to be talking, prompting young children to ask their soccer moms, “can horses speak, like Horton from Horton Hears a Who?” Some of the brighter kids ask if Horton is a republican and ask where the donkeys are.  My sources, who wish to remain anonymous, tell me  that Gallup used to use donkeys but they kept heading straight for trash barrels and would throw temper tantrums braying and kicking up a storm, being real asses when they couldn’t get their way.

Disclaimer:  none of what you’ve just read is true.  I made it up.  And sometimes it feels like pollsters just make stuff up too, but I have no proof so I’ll stick to comedy.

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