What’s this I hear about Last in Space?

I was trying to read the lineup of shows on TV from the menu of our cable service without my glasses.  I felt like I was taking one of those vision tests.  I proudly boasted that I could read a blurry row near the bottom of the chart and when called upon to do so, mumbled out random letters and numbers with the word possibly thrown in only to have the doctor request that I try to read again but this time three rows up.

As I squinted at the TV program menu, I thought the networks and stations had just gone live with their new lineup of shows, some that sounded intriguing.  I don’t watch much TV generally, but these new shows had me dreaming of early retirement:

Crimea Minds

This must be a Russian version of CSI.

Family Fraud

They are all unrelated, as it turns out.

The Big Bong

With the legalization of marijuana, this new series comes as no surprise.

Mushroomers

I guess Moonshiners has run its course.

Fiends

This sarcastic comedy is about a group of hateful friends.

Monsters in my Barn

Garage Squid

This might be a spinoff of Monsters in my Barn or one of those shows like Gator Boys.

New Grill

I toggled down quickly as I figured this was an addictive infomercial about a revolutionary grill.

American Mustard

America can do mustard too just as good as the French.

Imperial Lockers

I thought this might be something like an SNL spoof on Impractical Jokers but then again it could be about what the rich and famous store in lockers in train stations throughout Europe.

Morning Joke

I imagine this one to be morning political comedy, not unlike Morning Joe.

Miami, Nice!

…until it gets too hot.

The Last Squid

Based on The Twilight Zone pilot, “Where is Everybody?”

Last In Space

Trump might do better to start a space race, rather than a nuclear arms race.

Radiator

Make sure the kids are in bed as this steamy series is sure to carry an MA rating.

Anderson Copper 300

If I had to guess, I would say this is a 5-hour infomercial for a new compression product.

Chicago Tire

This reality shoe about a tire shop in the windy city is sure to be a big hit.

Last Squid Standing

If I had to hazard a guess, I would go with a deep sea, outwit, outlast, survival show with host Squidward from SpongeBob SquarePants.

Little Horse on the Prairie

A homesteader with a pony tries to live the American dream but finds life on the range depressingly difficult.

As Roseanne Roseannadanna might have said, “What’s this I hear about Deep Fried Monsters? Oh, Deep Fried Masters? Nevermind.”

Better TV Show Titles

My eyesight has become somewhat suspect of late.  I have reading glasses, but really need reading glasses for longer distances.  I can’t see all the letters as I surf through the televised TV guide channel of our local cable provider.  I don’t watch much TV anyway and am unfamiliar with many of the newer shows now on TV, and as my eyesight has gotten worse, I find myself making mistakes about the actual titles of the shows, many I have since learned have been cancelled for the upcoming 2015 session.  I actually think my mistaken titles have much greater appeal and really should have been field tested prior to the airing of the shows.

Here’s a partial list of the tricks my eyes have played on me and a synopsis of what the shows might have been about:

• Boardwalk Empire (HBO) – Boardwalk Vampire.  I’d almost watch that show.
• Bad Judge (NBC) – Rad Judge.  We have enough bad judges as it is.  We need more rad judges.  I don’t know whether President Obama will get another pick or have his pick confirmed if he does, but why not a rad pick, or a pick from the people in a national contest?  Anyone could enter – a college debater, a high school civics teacher, a grandmother, a comedian like Stephen Colbert or a celebrity like Matt Damon or Natalie Portman.  I’d maybe vote for a classical conductor like Michael Tilson Thomas or say the cellist Yo Yo Ma. Maybe Gordon Ramsey could host it.  I don’t think the Senate would dare not confirm America’s choice.
• Cougar Town (TBS) Well, I read it as Cougar Down.  I’m intrigued by the cougar.  It was my junior high school mascot and there had been many sightings of them in the woods behind the McCain Mall when I was growing up. I’m not for killing cats though so the show could be based on tranquilizing them and moving them to some preserve out of harms way.
• Gracepoint (Fox) What about a show called Grapefruit? At least everyone knows what a grapefruit is. Who has ever heard of a gracepoint?
• Hemlock Grove (Netflix) After House of Cards, this is a disappointing dud. So I renamed it Heimlich Groove, a sort of rescue dance. Interesting, right?  I’d watch it.
• Hot in Cleveland (TV Land).  Not in Cleveland would be better.
• The Bridge (FX). Boring.  The Fridge is what I saw and would prefer to watch.  It’d be based on what goes on behind closed refrigerator doors, when the food comes to life.  You’d be surprised by all the rivalries. Coconut and almond milk are mortal foes.  Eggs and endive have never warmed to the other. And one simply has to separate Finlandia swiss and Stilton blue cheese.  Just the other day the Finlandia called out the Stilton for not wearing deodorant and the Stilton responded by lobbing several cherry tomatoes that bloodied the Swiss calling it a “hollier than thou fraud.”