The Animal Survey Says:

This afternoon, I was listening to NPR, or maybe it was PRI, with John Hockenberry, I think it was, who introduced a segment featuring an article some guy wrote for Outside magazine about zoos. It’s no surprise that the author believes zoos no longer serve a useful purpose and may be harmful to the animals. In the piece, they talked about the fact that many of the animals don’t fare too well in cages and some are even treated with anti-depressants.  The animals would probably rather be in the wild, though one wonders how well they’d fare there after years of captivity.  The host said we’d never know what the animals think about their lodgings because they can’t really be polled.  But if they could be polled, or if we could speak to the animals so to speak and do a focus group or something, here’s what they might say:

Zookeeper:  How do you find your room?

Polar Bear:  A little on the cold side.  Keep having to sleep with my thermals on.  And the coffee, come on, enough with the K-cups already.  Doesn’t anyone care about the enviroment anymore? I miss the sound of the percolator from back in the day.

Zookeeper:  Apart from the coffee and the cold, anything else?

Polar Bear:  I have a beef with the Polar soda they sell around here. I mean, when is that outfit from MA sending me some royalties?  Now that they’ve acquired Deep South beverages, from my neck of the woods, I am entitled.  Send me a lawyer – you know I never authorized my mug for the Polar logo.  I’ll buy this place and turn it into a ski lodge.  Water skiing lodge, more like it since the dang polar ice cap melted away, which is why I’m in this joint in the first place.

Zookeeper:  You sound a little disgruntled.

Polar Bear:  I’m being exploited.  I’ll have you know I’m an union organizer and you can’t stop us, unless you throw me some Alaskan salmon every now and then, say on Tuesdays and Thursdays.

Zookeeper:  Mr. Snake.  How could we make your stay more pleasing?

Snake:  For starters, you can remove the plexiglass.  I’m tired of people taking selfies with me as I try to catch some zzzzz’s.  I’m not a violent sort, but some days I’d like nothing better than to envenomate a zoo patron or two.

Zookeeper:  How is your food?

Snake:  Never mind the food, just put me out on a sun warmed rock.  This flourescent lighting you got in here gives me migraines.  And I’d like to work on my tan.  One more thing – can you get me a new roommate?  The spitting viper has got no class, no class at all.  At the very least, get the guy a spittoon.

Zookeeper:  Sir Tiger, do you have any suggestions for improving the zoo?

Tiger:  Look, can you get me some wilderbeasts?  This pink slime you keep throwing me is not even fit for a taco.  And these cougars you got in here, they burn incense all day.  I mean, can you get me an air purifier or some Claritin.  My allergies are acting up.

Zookeeper:  Anything else?

Tiger:  Just one more thing.  A few of us would like to be zoo guides, just to liven things up.  It’d just be me, Zippy the hippo, Dusty the black bear, Leo the laughing hyena and Clowny the rattlesnake.  We’d like to lead the zoo patrons to a hands on tour of the inside of the lion enclosure.  The lions have been feeling rather lonely lately.

Linus on NPR and a few other radio oddities

I was listening to NPR on the way to work and heard a report by Peter Overby, who sounds exactly like Linus, to the point that I think he might very well have been the original voice of Linus. I kept waiting for him to say something about the Great Pumpkin.

Here’s what else I heard:

An 83 year old tea partying Mitt Romney supporter said she likes him because he has a nice family and will try. New campaign slogan: Need job. Nice family. Will try.

A local Boston announcer pronounced Red Sox Marco Scutaro’s name, with the accent on the second syllable, like Japanese musician Kitaro. For the record, Marco Scutaro is from San Felipe, Venezuela in the state of Yaracuy, a place I have actually visited.

Gas Prices, NPR and Steely Dan

The thing is:

Gas prices would be a non issue if America weren’t so dependent on fossil fuels.

I love NPR, but they made a series of management mistakes from their handling of the Juan Williams situation to their hiring of the loose cannon Ron Schiller, as chief fundraiser who unwisely met with two men posing as members of a Muslim organization.  Schiller launched an unprofessional tirade against the Republican Party and the Tea Party movement in an effort to secure a large donation from the group. Meanwhile, the men had been secretly taping Schiller and in fact were not Muslims but rather conservative activists organized by the infamous prankster James O’Keefe.  Schiller later apologized and said that he didn’t believe the things he had said, which did not help matters.  Both he and NPR’s CEO Vivian Schiller, no relation, have since stepped down.

I wonder if James O’Keefe is related to Georgia? His brand of politically motivated royal scamming seems to be an accepted form of hard ball today.Let’s see, first it was the attack on Acorn, then Planned Parenthood, followed by a counter punch on the left to Governor Walker.  Walker took a call from a man posing as a billionaire Republican donor.  Walker basically admitted to a coordinated plan to destroy the unions, and his comments went viral.   And now NPR.  I’d say the right is not in the right, but winning the merry prankster battle.

The original Royal Scam was a Steely Dan composition. “Steely Dan was here for real” was carved into a table in a classroom at Bard College.  I know, I saw it and so did my youngest daughter. And the thing is, Steely Dan really did go to Bard; Chevy Chase too.