Boring Winter Olympics Needs Some Tweaks

I’m tiring a bit of the Winter Olympics in Sochi.  It’s partly that the events are a little dated and redundant.  It’s partly because Bob Costas is missing  – he really is the best in the business in my opinion. By the way, what exactly happened to Bob’s eyes?  It all seems so suspicious, but I don’t want to start any rumors.  Other than Bob’s eye infections, Shuan White’s failing to podium, the embarrassing interview of Bodi Miller and Lindsey Jacobelis’ unfortunate repeat fall, the games have been mostly drama free, probably much to Putin’s relief.  My tiring of the games is also partly do to the fact that I have no sense of what is live, taped, or whether an event happened today or yesterday or tomorrow.  What is the time difference anyway?  Russia has what, 9 time zones?  It’s today here and tomorrow there or something weird like that.  Also, the excitement of a single broadcast is gone because you can get Olympic news coverage anywhere anytime – a tweet here, a video there, headlines all over the Internet and spoiler alerts on all the TV news broadcasts. NBC has been covering the Sochi Games nonstop on MSNBC, CNBC, NBC and the USA Network, where you can catch niche sports like team curling and snowboard cross. 

So I won’t just whine about everything, I do have four solutions to offer to keep the Olympic Games relevant for years to come. 

First, the International Olympic Committee should do away with ski jumping on two hills.  Why do they have both a long and normal hill.  I say the skiers should just go down one hill, the hill.  Same deal with the short and long skating programs.  

Second, one of everything.  The bobsled is too complicated.  It should be just 1 man or woman, not 1, 2 and 4.  I mean we might as well have coed mixes or a medley of nations – a bobsled team made up of 4 randomly selected athletes from different countries. They’d have to argue over whose boblsed to drive and who the driver would be.  But it would promote peace on earth.  And no qualifying events either.  Just one race, run or game for everything.  And 1 athlete from each country for everything except hockey and curling.  No pairs skating, no snow relays, or whatever it is they do in cross-country.  Team ski-jumping, come on – boring.  Team ice-dancing?    

Third, Tweaks.  I probably said this 2 years ago, but I think those skiers with the guns are a little spooky.  I know it’s tradition, but if the gun thing must continue, why not have them carry shotguns and instead of hitting those easy carnival type targets, have them hit clay pidgins or skeets with shotguns.  And curling, how many rounds do they go before a winner is declared.  It’s about 5 rounds too many.  And curling, really, it’s not a sport, or it’s as much a sport as say ice-fishing.   

Skeleton.  Why not have these sliders go down head first on their backs.  I imagine it has been done before on Jack Ass or some show like it.  But these athletes could pull it off in style. They would probably need to wear protective thermal thinsulate armor, though.  Maybe Pierre Cardin could design some tricked out suit of sliding armor for the American sliders.  I’m also thinking of an event where the ski jumpers go down backwards and then rotate in midair for the landing – maybe even do another trick or two like the free stylers. It can’t be that hard to do.    

And finally, all the events should be held outdoors, all of them. 

17 Days of Olympics, 7 Days Too Many

I’ve enjoyed watching the Vancouver Winter Olympic games but they’ve gone on for long enough, about a week too long in my opinion.  So how could the games be shortened?

I was watching some of the 4-Man Bobsled runs last night and was thinking, haven’t they already done this?  In fact, the night before they had.  They do four runs over the course of two days.  That’s two runs too many.   I propose that all Bobsled events occur on one day – two runs per event.  As is, the 2-Man and the Women’s 2 and 4 take 7 days to complete.

I’d eliminate the week-long Biathlon events.  Those guns creep me out.  Someone is going to shot their eye out; it’s a miracle no one was hurt.

Curling is silly, even absurd.  12 days worth of shuffleboard.  I’d rather see a snowball throwing event, or an ice-sculpture competition.  How about ice fishing?

Ski-Cross.  Boring.  Snowboard-Cross is infinitely more exciting to watch.

Luge and Skeleton, one or the other but not both. I’d actually like to propose a new sliding event called Sliding.  It’s a sprint to a line to see who can slide on their feet the longest distance.  No skates, just smooth-soled shoes.

Ice-Dancing.  Better for an exhibition, not an Olympic competition. Something I’d rather see during the intermission of a hockey game.

I love Short Track, but the Relay, like Curling and Doubles Luge is silly.  Cut that event out.

Too many skiing events.  Downhill, Super-Combined Downhill, Super-Combined Slalom,  Super G, Giant Slalom and Slalom.  6 events here.  Pick two, maybe three.

With the reductions proposed, a Winter Olympics need only last 10 days.