Velveeta Is Almost Cheez

Velveeta Cheese

Velveeta Cheese (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I was eating some “cheese dip” the other day.  Cheese dip is one of my comfort foods that I take with a good, warm and crisp restaurant style tortilla chip.  I know this combination is a health hazard.  Fortunately, I don’t have major cholesterol issues…yet.  But it occurs to me that eating the goop is a bit like swallowing globs of fat.  Rather than buy the stuff in a jar, I usually just make the dip myself – a box of Velveeta, a can of Rotel and a sprinkle of chili powder and cumin with a good stir and about 5 minutes in the microwave, the everyday appliance that used to be suspiciously called a radar range.  After about 3 minutes in the mike,  I stir with a wooden spoon and then continue nuking it till the cheese is fully melted.  I test the dip with a tortilla chip, careful not to burn my tongue.  Last, I pour a diet soda in a glass brimming with ice.  When I eat unhealthy, I like to drink unhealthily too.  Complimentary hazards.

What is Kraft Velveeta, anyway? Is it even cheese, or just a blob of plastic?  For one thing, it is processed; I guess as opposed to made.  It seems to have a bunch of ingredients not found in real cheese or even on planet earth – like lots of preservatives to give it an unrefrigerated shelf life of hundreds of years – well, maybe not hundreds, but a long time.  Good stuff for Doomsday preppers. Velveeta is not real cheese because it contains less than 51% cheese.  It’s classified as a “cheese food”.  It’s cheesy, you know – cheesish, cheese-like.  And it does sort of look like cheese – or orange sticks of Crisco.  Kraft should commission Kraftwerk to do a jingle.  Velveeta melts beautifully, like ice on a hot day, silky smooth like Parmalat, another ultra pasteurized European product (Velveeta has Suisse roots). Its sister product, Cheez Whiz, doesn’t even pretend to be cheese and frankly, is not very tasty.  Tostitos sells a better Queso dip proudly made in the U.S.A. with “real” cheese and about 20 other things.  However, unlike Velveeta, Frito-Lay Salsa Con Queso leaves a terrible chemical aftertaste, one that only a beer or a grape popsicle can erase.


2 Responses

  1. Hahahaha! “Is it even cheese, or just a blob of plastic?” I’m pretty sure we both know that answer…lol! If you’re going to do unhealthy, do it big and enjoy it…it’s so good.

  2. LOLz

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