I’d almost rather watch a commercial (which I would mute) than a sideline interview of an athlete during a sporting event. Sideline reporters are at the bottom of the journalism rung – for all I know, some might actually be broadcast journalism majors doing unpaid internships. At halftime of a recent NBA playoff game, a sideline reporter asked one of the stars a series of inane questions like: How does it feel to be 3 points ahead? You are having a good game, what has been the key to your success? The team looks energized, can you comment? I’m sorry, I’d rather watch one of those Ask Your Doctor commercials. So I’ve decided to create a fictionalized version of a sideline interview with a famous basketball player, who I will just call JB:
Reporter: The team looks awful, what’s the problem?
JB: Excuse me?
Reporter: I thought your team was championship caliber, but you look like a high school team tonight.
JB: Hey, you want to play a game of one on one right now. Come on, right now. I’ll take you.
Reporter: It’s not really fair – you have a little height advantage. I was thinking more of a one on one interview. And by the way, how did you get so tall?
JB: I’ll tell you a little secret: Wheaties and Popeye’s spinach and I used to hang on the swing set bar at the park to stretch out. I grew two feet that way one summer.
Reporter: What did the coach say to the team for inspiration before the game?
JB: I don’t know, I had my headphones on.
Reporter: What were you listening to?
Reporter: You clearly flopped on that charging foul, but got away with it. What is the secret to your technique?
JB: I was on the speech and drama team in high school.
Reporter: What was your event?
JB: Dramatic interpretation.
Reporter: When you missed that dunk, what were you thinking?
JB: I was thinking ’bout a swiss cheese omelette with mushrooms and bacon.
Reporter: Good luck in the second half.